Time To Pick It Back Up

I know that its been a few years since I've blogged, but I want to begin again. Hope that's ok with ya'll.

Moving Pews

Pews On Parade

So, last summer a friend of mine called me b/c his grandfather had a church full of pews that he wanted to donate to our church or to the NoDa School of Arts, and did I have a use for them. It seemed like too good of a deal to pass up at the time, but in hindsight I'm not really sure why I was so eager to jump on that train. I went out there with this sweet old man to take a look at the pews. They were in an abandoned old church that was probably built in the 80's. They had forelcosed on their property, and the new owners were going to tear it down and redevelop the land.
I reluctantly accepted the pews. My main concern was transporting 28 church pews that were extremely heavy and 13 feet long. I roped in a couple of friends of mine to help move them, and that was the beginning of the chaos. The truck I rented that first trek down to get some pews had a bit of an accident. I ran the side mirror into a telephone pole and managed to bend back the frame of the door and break the window. (The truck that one of my board members let me borrow from him business for free.) I didn't let that stop me though. I just used the driver side door and continued down the road with glass strewn on the floor of the truck and a pit in my stomach.
We make it down to the church in the middle of July. There were spider webs all through the church, more than a hint of mildew, not to mention that a church that has stood empty for years is a little bit creepy.
So I was hoping that Jeremy and Lee could throw those suckers into the truck, make a few trips to the storage, and then call it a day. I was sadly mistaken. The pews are so heavy and awkward that it took much longer. My back is shot and these two guys are struggling to lift one. Arranging 13 foot church pews in a 14 foot truck was also challenging. The person in the back of the truck had to crawl over stacked pews while maneuvering more 300 lb. pews into the truck. I felt pretty bad.
We called in reinforcements to help unload the truck, but no one was in the mood for a second load. That would have to be done another day. At this point I'm wondering if the expense of renting moving trucks, paying for a moving truck to be fixed, storage, etc. was going to be worth it. Of course, at this point its too late.
So, in the midst of a hectic summer camp, I arrange for another jaunt down to Weddington for the remaining pews. I didn't tag along. When the guys returned they were sweaty, exhausted, and doubting my ability to do something useful with these pews.
I'll have to write more later.
Amanda
Three storage units later the pews are officially ours.

So What's It Like?

So what's it like not being married at 33, well, 32 and 354 days? Well, I guess it really depends on the day, but I'm going to attempt to put it into words. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel blessed to have sooo much time to give to work and ministry and friends. I really do. I enjoy hanging out with friends at any time of the day, waking up on Saturday morning with not a thing to do, and only having myself to worry about. I love having time to serve my neighborhood association, to plan prayer vigils for Darfur, to dream big dreams for the arts school, to help my sisters with their kids, to be able to go see my parents at the drop of a hat, and to generally invest in people's lives. I also love having time for painting and playing piano. Time is a good thing.
However, if I could trade that time for myself and spend it on a husband and a family, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm sure that I would miss some of the things listed above, but thats ok with me.
I long for a loyal partner, companion, and friend- someone who moves when I move, sits next to me every Sunday at church, goes home with me for the holidays, and eats dinner with me- someone who is there.
I don't want to have to be the strong, responsible one. I don't want to have to fix everything that breaks, pay all the bills, move all the heavy stuff, and plan for the future by myself. I want someone to help take care of things. I'm tired of taking care of things by myself.
The nature of my job is that I make things happen. I start things, I run things, I am responsible for things. I love it and yet feel like I'm going to crumble sometimes. I wish I had a support- someone who would prop me up when I start to fall.
And guy friends suck at this age, well I guess not all of them do, but its definitely different than it was in college. It just hurts too much to have someone close but not the real deal. Guys at this age want to take the role as a caretaker. They help you with stuff and want to take care of things for you, but it just doesn't really work. That care brings along an emotional response that doesn't match the relationsihp.
After a while, you begin to wonder what it is about you that makes you single. Is God just being mean? Am I unlikable? Am I too intimidating, too independent, too much like one of the guys, too ______? You fill in the blank. I used to be so confident. I guess I still am in some areas of my life, but not in this one. I feel like I'm just unable to make it work. I feel like whatever it was that used to make guys like me is gone.
Its lonely, which is crazy to say. I'm with good friends almost every day of the week, but thats different. Its just not the same.
I know that I could tell myself that Jesus is the answer to this void, and I'm sure that he is. But He doesn't make this ache go away. Man was not made to be alone, and I feel it.
I'm sure that I could also tell myself that marriage will have problems, too. I'm sure that it will. I'd just rather face problems with someone instead of alone.
13 years ago I was going to marry this great guy I met in college. He was amazing, but he wasn't a Christian. I ended it with him and told God that I didn't want to hurt like that again, that I didn't want to be so close to marriage and it not work out. I asked for the next serious relationship to be the real one. 13 years later that seems like a really dumb thing to do. God, why so long? I don't understand. Where is he?
So- how about that? I'm one of those single women in her 30's who whines about being single. I never wanted to be one of those women, but what can I say- here I am.

Intuition

I rely heavily on intuition. I feel my way through life. People, things, decisions, etc. just feel right to me- or not. A lady I met recently told me that I have a very intuitive mind. I guess she was meaning that as a compliment. Yet it can cause troubles.

My feelings about whats best for this grad school thing changes hour by hour. This morning I was feeling overwhelmed about school and really excited about furthering my work here. Later this afternoon I was back ready to go to school. I learned some cool stuff today and it made me hungry for more.

Sometimes relying on intuition equates to relying on emotions. Goodness knows, my feelings are not constant. (I hate the word moody, but it may be appropriate.) My intuition/gut reaction/feel for things (whatever you want to call it) is clouded by how I'm feeling.

I realized tonight that part of the stress of this decision about school is that I'm constantly trying to get a feel for what I should do. I really do need to come up with a better decision making process, at least for this decision.

Career Crunch

I've heard my more corporate friends talk about the internal struggle between having kids and moving up the corporate ladder. I didn't really know how they felt until this past week. Now that may seem strange to many as I'm not married nor pregnant, but just stick with me.

I've considered going back to school since I graduated undergrad. I love learning and getting a masters and/or a phd has always been very appealing. Yet for one reason or another, it hasn't happened. I didn't want to rack up huge loans only to continue making little money in the non-profit world. I didn't want to leave friends, home, job, kids I mentor, etc.

The past week and a half I've been seriously revisiting this idea of grad school and getting a phd. I've been surprised at how stressful this decision seems. And I'm realizing that it has to do with that whole mommy/family thing. (Also good friends, good job, good church, good house)

For the past 10 years I've had it in the back of my mind that any day now I'm going to be meeting my husband and getting married. I didn't want to go to school, especially into a 5 year phd program, b/c that would be admitting that I'm putting off getting married and having kids. I mean... now that would make me 38 when I would finish. I value having a family much more than academia.

However, I cannot control when I get married. Nor do I want to start a family while single. If the choice is between being single and not going to school vs. being single with a PhD (where I'm able to teach on the collegiate level and learn) then I choose the latter.

I love the idea of going to school. I want to learn more. I want to teach adults. I want to have skills and information that I don't have now. And yet it makes me really sad to think about letting go of the dream of marriage and family for another several years.

I hope this all makes sense. I'm still processing and my thoughts feel pretty fuzzy.

Heaven... please

Well... its been a while since I've posted anything. I've kind of put the women's issues on the back burner. It just hasn't been at the forefront of my mind. Other things have...

Depression hits me at least once a month, sometimes worse than others. I wake up with this, I-don't-want-to-do-today feeling. I've had that feeling all week. It comes and goes, but doesn't seem to go too far. The sins of the world, this place not being our home, and my inability to make this life work is much more real to me during these times. I've noticed it most this week in the area of relationships.

Everyone wants good friends. Everyone wants to love their friends well and be loved well. Yet we suck at it. Differing communication styles, differing personalities, sin, and different needs all get in the way. Its crazy to me that two people who really enjoy eachother's friendship can want very different things in that friendship and struggle to receive the love that the other has for them. We all give and receive love so differently. Its pretty disheartening.

I'm really into personality tests, especially the Myers Briggs. I read once that my personality- ENFJ tends to idealize friendships, put their friends up on a pedastool, and want to believe that they can do no wrong. I have found this to be true. It took me a long time to realize that I don't just get upset with my best friends b/c of a lack of understanding. That sometimes I get upset with them b/c no matter how long we communicate about something, we are just not on the same page. We don't just misunderstand eachother, we don't agree. I hate that.

I see this over and over again in the movies: two people clearly love eachother, but b/c of pride or whatever, they just can't get there. They can't make it work. They can't receive what the other person can give. Ugh! And yet we are all imperfect beings with imperfect friends. And this just isn't as easy as it could be.

All of this reminds me that this place doesn't work. Friendships don't always work. This place is not going to do it for me. I need heaven.

Sorry for the downer.

What If?

Typically when I study this issue of women in the church, I look at Scripture to do so. I think that its dangerous to create my own ideas and theories that do not align with God's word. However, today I'd lke to veer from Scriptural references and propose a what if scenario...

What if the roles given men and women were simply pragmatic for the time in which they lived? For a developing society to thrive, someone has to commit the day to making meals and caring for the children. Women were given this place in society- as helper- and she would spend all day helping. Yet in this day and age where meals are easily microwavable or just quick to make, and child care is readily available, that is no longer necessary. A woman can care for her home with time left over for many other activities. We have time to be as educated as men, to work in the same jobs, to develop the same talents, and to serve the church. Is it a new time for new roles for women in the church?

"Well, the reason given in Scripture for these distinct roles is creation- man was created before woman, so man is the head. This is a universal truth, not just a cultural norm," I've been told. But what if this order in creation is how God established who would be the helper when a helper was needed, but now that a full time helper is no longer necessary, maybe this distinction is no longer necessary. Not to mention the numerous single women who do not play the role of helper at all.