Intuition

I rely heavily on intuition. I feel my way through life. People, things, decisions, etc. just feel right to me- or not. A lady I met recently told me that I have a very intuitive mind. I guess she was meaning that as a compliment. Yet it can cause troubles.

My feelings about whats best for this grad school thing changes hour by hour. This morning I was feeling overwhelmed about school and really excited about furthering my work here. Later this afternoon I was back ready to go to school. I learned some cool stuff today and it made me hungry for more.

Sometimes relying on intuition equates to relying on emotions. Goodness knows, my feelings are not constant. (I hate the word moody, but it may be appropriate.) My intuition/gut reaction/feel for things (whatever you want to call it) is clouded by how I'm feeling.

I realized tonight that part of the stress of this decision about school is that I'm constantly trying to get a feel for what I should do. I really do need to come up with a better decision making process, at least for this decision.

Career Crunch

I've heard my more corporate friends talk about the internal struggle between having kids and moving up the corporate ladder. I didn't really know how they felt until this past week. Now that may seem strange to many as I'm not married nor pregnant, but just stick with me.

I've considered going back to school since I graduated undergrad. I love learning and getting a masters and/or a phd has always been very appealing. Yet for one reason or another, it hasn't happened. I didn't want to rack up huge loans only to continue making little money in the non-profit world. I didn't want to leave friends, home, job, kids I mentor, etc.

The past week and a half I've been seriously revisiting this idea of grad school and getting a phd. I've been surprised at how stressful this decision seems. And I'm realizing that it has to do with that whole mommy/family thing. (Also good friends, good job, good church, good house)

For the past 10 years I've had it in the back of my mind that any day now I'm going to be meeting my husband and getting married. I didn't want to go to school, especially into a 5 year phd program, b/c that would be admitting that I'm putting off getting married and having kids. I mean... now that would make me 38 when I would finish. I value having a family much more than academia.

However, I cannot control when I get married. Nor do I want to start a family while single. If the choice is between being single and not going to school vs. being single with a PhD (where I'm able to teach on the collegiate level and learn) then I choose the latter.

I love the idea of going to school. I want to learn more. I want to teach adults. I want to have skills and information that I don't have now. And yet it makes me really sad to think about letting go of the dream of marriage and family for another several years.

I hope this all makes sense. I'm still processing and my thoughts feel pretty fuzzy.

Heaven... please

Well... its been a while since I've posted anything. I've kind of put the women's issues on the back burner. It just hasn't been at the forefront of my mind. Other things have...

Depression hits me at least once a month, sometimes worse than others. I wake up with this, I-don't-want-to-do-today feeling. I've had that feeling all week. It comes and goes, but doesn't seem to go too far. The sins of the world, this place not being our home, and my inability to make this life work is much more real to me during these times. I've noticed it most this week in the area of relationships.

Everyone wants good friends. Everyone wants to love their friends well and be loved well. Yet we suck at it. Differing communication styles, differing personalities, sin, and different needs all get in the way. Its crazy to me that two people who really enjoy eachother's friendship can want very different things in that friendship and struggle to receive the love that the other has for them. We all give and receive love so differently. Its pretty disheartening.

I'm really into personality tests, especially the Myers Briggs. I read once that my personality- ENFJ tends to idealize friendships, put their friends up on a pedastool, and want to believe that they can do no wrong. I have found this to be true. It took me a long time to realize that I don't just get upset with my best friends b/c of a lack of understanding. That sometimes I get upset with them b/c no matter how long we communicate about something, we are just not on the same page. We don't just misunderstand eachother, we don't agree. I hate that.

I see this over and over again in the movies: two people clearly love eachother, but b/c of pride or whatever, they just can't get there. They can't make it work. They can't receive what the other person can give. Ugh! And yet we are all imperfect beings with imperfect friends. And this just isn't as easy as it could be.

All of this reminds me that this place doesn't work. Friendships don't always work. This place is not going to do it for me. I need heaven.

Sorry for the downer.