So What's It Like?

So what's it like not being married at 33, well, 32 and 354 days? Well, I guess it really depends on the day, but I'm going to attempt to put it into words. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel blessed to have sooo much time to give to work and ministry and friends. I really do. I enjoy hanging out with friends at any time of the day, waking up on Saturday morning with not a thing to do, and only having myself to worry about. I love having time to serve my neighborhood association, to plan prayer vigils for Darfur, to dream big dreams for the arts school, to help my sisters with their kids, to be able to go see my parents at the drop of a hat, and to generally invest in people's lives. I also love having time for painting and playing piano. Time is a good thing.
However, if I could trade that time for myself and spend it on a husband and a family, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm sure that I would miss some of the things listed above, but thats ok with me.
I long for a loyal partner, companion, and friend- someone who moves when I move, sits next to me every Sunday at church, goes home with me for the holidays, and eats dinner with me- someone who is there.
I don't want to have to be the strong, responsible one. I don't want to have to fix everything that breaks, pay all the bills, move all the heavy stuff, and plan for the future by myself. I want someone to help take care of things. I'm tired of taking care of things by myself.
The nature of my job is that I make things happen. I start things, I run things, I am responsible for things. I love it and yet feel like I'm going to crumble sometimes. I wish I had a support- someone who would prop me up when I start to fall.
And guy friends suck at this age, well I guess not all of them do, but its definitely different than it was in college. It just hurts too much to have someone close but not the real deal. Guys at this age want to take the role as a caretaker. They help you with stuff and want to take care of things for you, but it just doesn't really work. That care brings along an emotional response that doesn't match the relationsihp.
After a while, you begin to wonder what it is about you that makes you single. Is God just being mean? Am I unlikable? Am I too intimidating, too independent, too much like one of the guys, too ______? You fill in the blank. I used to be so confident. I guess I still am in some areas of my life, but not in this one. I feel like I'm just unable to make it work. I feel like whatever it was that used to make guys like me is gone.
Its lonely, which is crazy to say. I'm with good friends almost every day of the week, but thats different. Its just not the same.
I know that I could tell myself that Jesus is the answer to this void, and I'm sure that he is. But He doesn't make this ache go away. Man was not made to be alone, and I feel it.
I'm sure that I could also tell myself that marriage will have problems, too. I'm sure that it will. I'd just rather face problems with someone instead of alone.
13 years ago I was going to marry this great guy I met in college. He was amazing, but he wasn't a Christian. I ended it with him and told God that I didn't want to hurt like that again, that I didn't want to be so close to marriage and it not work out. I asked for the next serious relationship to be the real one. 13 years later that seems like a really dumb thing to do. God, why so long? I don't understand. Where is he?
So- how about that? I'm one of those single women in her 30's who whines about being single. I never wanted to be one of those women, but what can I say- here I am.